Curiosity Kills: Sneak peek into my life

i know. im lucky to have 2 beautiful sons at this age. and a wonderful husband.

he does lots of things such as cleaning the house, only once a week. not more. i need to drill 10x more if i want him to do more than once. his reasoning was this is not his house . he will clean more often if it is his house. this, we shall see.

he also looks after kj more often than matty, of course. he prefers kj over matty , understandably, for now. because kj can chat and play and be cheeky.

he is also the dish washer. toilet cleaner. chef 40-50%.

he hates it when i ask him to hang the clothes. we line dry. so he'd prefer to use a dryer for this purpose. but i dislike dryer. we are living in malaysia cmon!

he cannot, CANNOT fold clothes. so im the only one who can do that.

hence we know who can do certain chores and who cannot, we delegate work. we are planning to come up with a timetable when we move. u bet im excited!

he washes my breast pump for me every night. because my fingers are crap.

im appreciative.

and im told i only need to suffer for a short duration when my children are young. i just need to pull through this.

this is my second week of work.

we are surviving. i zonked out every night at 9pm, latest 10pm involuntarily. i love to nurse in sleeping position so that we all can sleep together.

Then, how to get things done?

So i wake up at 5am. feels healthy getting up at dawn. no, im lying. i dread to pull myself up sometimes because I need to get up at 2am to pump milk. while pumping, i get to go online for 30 mins or more. so i'll continue my slumber party at 3am.

if i sleep later than 3am, say 3 something to 4am, means i only get an hour plus of sleep.

5am-6am i need to work around like a cartoon. i prefer to list down the things that needs to be done so that i dont missed them or end up walking front and back (of the house) getting lost, not remembering what to do. does that happen to you?

i got really upset last week but i feel a lot calmer this week. we've bought vegetables in the weekend and i can slowly plan and cook this week(days). not having anything in the fridge makes me feel insecure.

when i get upset, it affects the whole family i guess.

have u ever heard of "if mom is unhappy, no one is happy". i actually bought one fridge magnet with this verse for my mom. -_____-''

so hubs think i worry too much. that i get stressed up easily. they are totally unnecessary.

but hello? dare say if i dont run the family well, what will happen to us?

im not praising myself. what i'd like to point out is that, i cant slack and just be on the run like him. anything comes, comes.

i cant. i need to run my day according to my plan. i need to atleast have a gist of what to do in a day. before i sleep tonight, i need to know what to prepare for kj's breakfast tomorrow, what to pack in his lunch box, what do i eat for my breakfast for instance.

i cant get up in the morning and then look around the kitchen and think what to eat, what to prepare. i dont work this way.

certain things need to be prepared before hand. like if im having oats tomorrow morning, i need to prepare tonight.

honey, get it?

it is not that i am not flexible. i know that on some days, if not most, i cant execute all the things that are in my list. You have not seen my list have you?

By having the list, it gives me a direction and get things going.

It still has not sink into reality. I am still not.

At times I thought that I should free my husband. To wholeheartedly permit him to do sports and to indulge in his hobby in the evening. He’ll come home happy after that. Being a happy dad and husband, he will be a happy maid. But I uncontrollably becomes bitter. Every now and then.

He found his balance. ive lost mine.

He thinks we should not give 100% of our time to our children whilst I want to give more than 100%.

In the evenings, he’ll be out having fun while I’ll be home, running around the house as well as out of the house.

Kj will get his outdoor play in the evening and someone has to chaperone him. That would be me. Aunty will be cooking and when aunty is done , she’ll come out and take over the job while I’ll quickly run into the house and begin to prepare dinner (soak vege/defrost meat/boil soup) and make smoothies (because I will be hungry) and bring out fruits/smoothies for kj. I would prefer to feed him fruits/smoothies before meal, that would be the best time which is before his dinner.

Aunty will sometimes say “don’t eat too much fruit, later u cannot eat dinner”. Obviously it falls on deaf ears. I ignored. Isn’t that rude? ok so then sometimes I will tell her it’s okay, fruits are easily digestible, he’ll get hungry very fast. ;)

Then when the sky gets dark, the children will scramble home and matty will usually be hungry by then. So I’ll need to nurse him. Everything will be frozen when im nursing. Nothing gets done.

So dinner preparation will continue when hubs reaches home and he’ll most likely take over.

But like last night, i manage to eat before he comes home. so dinner was quick and we could bring kj home early and the child can have more play time at home. which also means more chill time before dinner as well as cutting down on TV time (he would usually be watching TV at that hour 7pm-8pm in aunty's house). i am glad hubs admitted it was a mistake to bring kj home at 8pm before this. now he make it a point to bring him home by 7pm.

Therefore I like to have cooked food stocked in the fridge to speed things up. Weekend will then be busy with cooking in bulk. On top of everything else, we still need to follow kj’s sleeping schedule, even on weekends. Grhh. It is rather challenging but what to do?

We sleep in late on weekends, and get up for breakfast/ brunch then marketing then quickly rush home for lunch and force him to take his noon nap. By the time he gets up, it’ll be almost outdoor time. We compromise everything for him! Children comes first in our household.

Not forgetting, we have a new member in the family. Matty is pretty neglected. He is not getting as much attention as I’d love to give.

Also, I found out that I was a wrecked last week because hubs and I are seeing less of one another and we do not get to ‘talk’.

Previously, we catch up in the morning on the way to work. we travel to work together in a car. And we’ll go home for lunch. And he’ll pick me up after work and we go home together. Albeit short distance from home to work, we always make full use of the time together. I guess that was what kept me sane without us realizing.

The moment I stepped home, we don’t communicate much, except giving him orders. We just cant. I’ll be zooming around the house and if the little boy is home, he wouldn’t let us talk. We also cant talk much in the car if he is around. We can have a quiet time after they sleep but it is pretty rare, because like ive mentioned, I’ll be asleep too. At times without even brushing my teeth.

I told hubs to wake me up if I fall asleep but after a few trials, nope, I just couldn’t get up. So now im smarter, I brush my teeth before I nurse.

All these make me constantly think of a solution.

Maid? We don’t have an extra room for her.

Move back? Let’s not think about it.

Preparing home cooked food is now becoming a chore but it is also a dilemma.

Living on our own means I get to control our food.

See? Im difficult to please. I want to have a control over my food. Over my children. Over my house.

What other solutions do I have?

I miss my husband. My baby.